Here’s the Vikings guide to picking their next quarterback

Let’s forget about Minnesota Vikings quarterback situation. At least from a “who to resign long term this offense” standpoint. There are four quarterbacks on the Vikings roster as you are reading this blog. Case Keenum, Teddy Bridgewater, Sam Bradford and the wild card Kyle Sloter. Also, since the Vikings and Kirk Cousins have been in the news lately, let’s throw him in the ring. Today, I’m not going to do a deep dive into the Vikings quarterback situation. Today, I will rank the four Vikes quarterbacks and Cousins by their looks. Throw stats out U.S. Bank Stadium. Light fire to last season’s stat sheets. Let’s focus on looks. Who is going to bag and tag the most women, married or not. Pretty sure Keenum and Cousins are the same people. Here’s the breakdown from oldest to youngest. Also, dudes rate dudes all the time so this isn’t one bit weird.

KYLE SLOTER —

Age: 23

Hot or nah: Hot

This is a very good looking dude. Honestly, not the biggest fan of his wannabe emo lookin’ hair cut and I think moving forward he should stick with the buzz cut. Gives him an edge. Solid smile. He’s really got that charming look in his eyes. But his ears are below average, however, they are perfect football helmet ears because they are real tight to his head which helps when putting on a helmet. I fuk with dudes that play football with one glove. White dudes that also wear headbands I fuk with. Sloter is a hot guy.

TEDDY BRIDGEWATER —

 

Age: 25

Hot or nah: Nah

Teddy Bridgewater is not hot. BUT he is cute. He’s a little skinny and small for my taster. I like when guys and ladies actually have a little beef to them. Bridgewater does have the Sloter ears that work well with helmets. But that smile is crooked and it turns me off. Also not a fan of dudes that wear two gloves, makes them look weak. Very athletic body which gets the juices flowing. If I’m going to a club I’m bringing Teddy with me because he’s a dude that looks like you should bring home to your parents but really he likes to powder his nose in the club and I’m for that. Not hot but cute.

CASE KEENUM —

Age: 29

Hot or nah: naaaaaaaaaaahh

Case Keenum looks dumb. Him and Nick Foles could redo Dumb and Dumber and even make it a Netflix original. Keenum is a terrible listener. His wife will tell him something and I guarantee he’ll forget it in 2.4 seconds. Big head (not the good kind), bad beard and real bad flare on that left ear. Keenum is the perfect build for a bobblehead. Better smile than Teddy’s but overall I mean he’s really lucky he’s married and about to get paid $20 mil cuz he’s weak in the looks department.

(BONUS) KIRK COUSINS —

Age: 29

Hot or nah: Fukn hot

I could get lost in Kirk Cousins eyes. My lord. The smile is off the charts gorgeous. His tongue in two of the above three pictures is an ass eating tongue and a good wiggler. This man is hot. And very intimidating. I’m not dating his daughters, I’m dating him. That beard is on point and that nose, my goodness. So narrow and so distinguished. His ears are subpar but I’d bite em. Kirk Cousins is a Top 10 lookin’ dude in the NFL maybe even the nation. Is he worth $30 million? His talent isn’t but his body is worth double that.

SAM BRADFORD —

Age: 30

Hot or nah: nope

Sam Bradford is the last guy at the bar. And should be your last choice to bring home. I think he has somewhat of a lazy eye. Or is that just his eye lid fuked up? I don’t know. Ears are off the charts horrible. Not ideal. That middle picture kinda makes me tingly but so does a blow up doll and you know that’s just not a good idea at 2 a.m. On the plus side he doesn’t have the worst smile. Plus he’s not in his 20s anymore. Bradford is a manipulator. He can clean up nicely but once you wake up next to him you’re bolting for the nearest door or toilet to yak in.

Listen, if I’m the Vikings decision maker, I’m using this as a guide. Everyone gets so wrapped into can this guy throw the football or can he bounce back from a knee injury. How about you start looking at if this guy is an addition to our team looks. NFL teams over look the fuk outta team pictures. Look good, play good. Look bad, become Cleveland.

 

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